The Fault in Our Stars

When I became a nerdfighter in 2008, I read John Green’s books Looking for Alaska and An Abundance of Katherines and loved both of them. I felt he had the best voice of teen characters that I had read in YA fiction. They were full and complex and flawed just like real teenagers. I followed him as he wrote and then released his very successful book Paper Towns and couldn't wait for his next book to be published.

Slowly small bits of information came out about the new book at around the same time that I was finishing treatment. First, that the narrator was a girl, which I thought was awesome. Then he let out that she was a 16-year-old girl with cancer. I couldn't contain my excitement. My favorite author was basically writing a book about me. I anxiously awaited the release and hung on every nugget of information he shared about the book in his videos. In January 2012, the middle of my senior year, the book was released and I devoured it in days. I would sneak it under my desk in class because I just couldn't put it down. I remember sitting in history class tearing up as Gus told Hazel that ... (spoilers).

 

In the book, Hazel says that Peter Van Houten (the fictional author of An Imperial Affliction), "Writes what it's like to be dying without having died himself." That is the very way I feel about John Green and The Fault in Our Stars. He captured so well the experience of being a teenager with cancer without being a teenager with cancer. Hazel, Gus, and Isaac’s experiences and feelings related to their disease completely validated my own thoughts and feelings. They made me feel less alone even though I read the book two and a half years after completing treatment. I wish that I had the book while I was on treatment and felt so alone. I wish I could have shared it with my friends to help them understand my experience.

What I think is most important about the characters in this story is that they are more than their disease. They are complex, multifaceted, flawed people living good lives while also having cancer.

Thank you John for your beautiful book!

Mischief Managed,

Sammy

Because I have friends in the bookstore business I was fortunate enough to be able to meet John (and Hank) on the book tour for The Fault in Our Stars. Thanks, Jessica!

Run of Hope Total: $2,270

There is THREE DAYS left to contribute to this year's Run of Hope supporting Pediatric Brain Tumor Research! 

To contribute please visit: http://www.firstgiving.com/fundraiser/sammy-loch/2014

Back to School

I finished treatment at the beginning of August 2010 and was very excited to go back to school in September. If you know me, you know that I love school. It was really difficult to miss so much.

Back-to-school shopping is one of my favorite things and that year was no exception. I remember having a great time with mom and Megan at Target walking or being pushed (I can't remember) up and down the aisles immersed in the smell of a new paper, pencils, and crayons etc. It was a lovely day.

Although it was very exciting to be starting school again, there was some disappointment mixed in. Despite my school counselor Mrs. Williams’ assurances that I can graduate on time, I was convinced I'd have to stay an extra semester or year.

Decked out the walker for homecoming

When I started back at school I was bald, eyebrowless and needed a walker to make it through the hallways. It was tough just to get through the day at first. Many times I got home and crashed on the couch and into a nap.

While I was glad to be back, school was very different than I expected. I didn't know you could feel so lonely surrounded by 2,000 people. It was as if my walker created a force field around me that other people couldn't penetrate. It seemed as if people didn't see me. People I knew seemed to look right through me or barely acknowledge me even if I said "hi." I don't know if they just didn't know what to say or were scared for some reason. No matter the reason, it hurt. To feel invisible is a horrible thing and that is what I experienced. This taught me the importance of acknowledging others, saying “hi”, or a nod of acknowledgment can make a big difference in how someone feels about their self.

This is not to say that there was no one that acknowledged me and supported me. I had a wonderful group of friends and supporters.

One new friend in particular I couldn't have made it through high school without. While I was on

Brooke & Me on prom night

treatment, Brooke Hereth became friends with Megan, so we heard about each other a lot. We describe meeting in person like meeting a pen pal because it felt like we already knew each other. Brooke was incredibly supportive and remains one of my best friends. She's a great person to talk to and hang out with; she makes me laugh and is a kind and thoughtful friend. I think something that made her such an important friend was that she had not known me before I was sick, so she didn't have someone to compare to as "normal" Sammy. Thank you so much, Brooke for being such a great friend in high school and continuing to be one of my closest friends.

I was depressed and often felt overwhelmed by everything going on from the problems with my leg. to felling isolated, to fears about the future. I have to thank my incredible psychologist Christine for helping me maintain my sanity and figure things. She was another important member of my super-team that helped me get through this experience as well as I have.

One thing that made me feel alone was that in classes, people I knew, friends even, would walk into class, see me, say hi, and walk past. No one ever asked if they could sit by me, or if I wanted to sit by them. I felt like it was always me in my little corner by myself.

This changed senior year when a guy named Sean Hoon that I knew from math class the previous year walked in to AP Lit. There were plenty of empty seats, but when Sean walked into the room he asked if he and his friend Michael could sit by me. Of course, I said yes. It was great getting to know and becoming friends with Sean and Michael throughout the year. This is one of those memories of my experience during and recovering from cancer treatment that sticks out. It was such a small moment, but meant so much to me.

By the end of my first semester back at school, I was doing much better and didn't want to have to stay any extra time. So, I figured out that Mrs. Williams was right all along. I would be able to graduate on time; it would just take a little extra work. I did independent study with the theater teacher, waived PE with physical therapy, and took an English class online over the summer. The rest of my graduation requirements would be met during my senior year.

By the time I graduated, I amassed quite the support team of Jackson High School faculty and staff, including: Mrs. Williams, Mrs. Rodriguez, Mr. Crosby, Mr. Simmons, Mme. Powell, Mme. Grindstaff, Mrs. Carbajal, Ms. Templora, Mr. Trueit, Mrs. Baker, Mrs. Stolzenburg, Ms. Fritz, Mrs. Robertson, Ms. Peterson and Mrs. Moffat.

Mrs. Williams, Megan & Me

My JHS team at the 2011 Run of Hope

Mischief Managed,
Sammy

Run of Hope Total: $2,170

There is only one week left to contribute to this year's Run of Hope supporting Pediatric Brain Tumor Research! 

To contribute please visit: http://www.firstgiving.com/fundraiser/sammy-loch/2014

Let the Sunshine In!

About halfway through my chemo treatments, sometime in May or June, Cory told me about the Sunshine Kids and that she wanted to put my name in for a trip to Orlando in October. Then, I had no idea the impact that this organization would have on my life.

The Sunshine Kids foundation is an organization that plans events and trips for kids and teens with cancer. They have regional events like going to sports games or plays as well as hospital parties for kids who are inpatient. They also have national trips each year for older kids. Several hospitals choose four patients each and about 40 to 50 kids attend each trip. Locations include Orlando, California, New York, Washington DC, New Orleans, and several others.

Wearing my Toy Story Mickey ears.

In October 2010 I attended the Florida Fun-N- Sun celebration in Orlando, FL. I had so much fun and it was wonderful to be surrounded by people who were experiencing similar things. I finally got my wish to connect with people like me. We all understood each other and medical speak made sense to all of us. It was incredible how quickly cancer disappeared and was replaced by having fun and making friends. The experience was also incredibly freeing as I realized that I could be independent and take care of myself. The trip greatly boosted my confidence and when I got back home I swapped my walker for a cane.

Several months later I received a phone call from the Sunshine Kids telling me that I had been chosen as the 2011 National Spokeskid. It was such an honor to be asked to represent the organization that had given me so much. As a spokeskid I represented the Sunshine Kids by speaking at fundraisers and volunteering at regional events. The first task of being a spokeskid was to attend Prudential Real Estate’s national convention. (Prudential is the Sunshine Kids’ biggest contributor and fundraiser.) That year the convention was in San Diego, California and my mom and brother Brandon came with me. That week was one of the most amazing weeks of my life. I spent the week with the 2010 and newly named 2011 spokeskids and their families. It was incredible how fast we bonded with each other. We started as strangers and departed as the best of friends. This trip again boosted my confidence in my abilities when I came home I stopped using my cane.

Me and Katie in San Diego

I became especially close to one of the other spokeskids, Katie Lynch. She had such a warm, sunny personality. She was the person I had been searching for while I was on treatment. Someone that I could connect with. For several months after the trip Katie and I traded text messages on a regular basis, talking about all sorts of things. Shockingly, on May 20, 2011 Katie passed away while recovering from a stem cell transplant. This is what I wrote about her that day: “She was such a special girl. I only knew her for three months, but she has changed my life forever. During and post treatment I was searching for someone. Someone who knew what I had been through. Someone who felt what I felt. Someone who was like me. Someone I could talk to. Someone who really understood. Katie was that someone. She radiated her warmth and light all the way from Indianapolis to rainy Seattle. Though I am devastated by her death I know Katie is in a better place where words like "cancer" don't exist.”

Katie and the many other Sunshine Kids I have befriended over the years have made a huge impact in my life. Not only did I no longer feel so alone, I have also made many dear friends.

30 years of Sunshine Kids

The following year Mom and I attended the Prudential convention in Orlando to welcome the 2012 national spokeskids. This year was very special because it was the 30th anniversary of the Sunshine Kids foundation. To celebrate, 30 former Sunshine Kids were invited to the event. It was so incredible to see people who had families and careers, were living successful lives and had been cancer free for 10 or 20 years. It was also incredible to see the impact this amazing organization has had on so many people over the years.

In addition to national trips I have also participated in several local events. Since 2011, my mom and I have volunteered at the yearly regional Sunshine Kids event in Seattle. This past year we were asked to plan events on our own for the Seattle area several times a year. We are both very excited to be able to offer more fun events both in the hospital and out of the hospital for patients at Seattle Children's. So far we have planned two very successful hospital parties and are looking forward to more events in the future.

I can't begin to describe how important this organization and the people I have met are to me and the impact they have had on my life. I am so thankful to be a part of an organization that is doing such important and life-changing work.

Mischief Managed,

Sammy

Run of Hope Total: $2,170

There is only one week left to contribute to this year's Run of Hope supporting Pediatric Brain Tumor Research! 

To contribute please visit: http://www.firstgiving.com/fundraiser/sammy-loch/2014

Someone Like Me

Through treatment and the isolation that came with it, I wanted to meet and get to know someone with a similar experience to me, but never did until I was introduced to Esther.

Since 2008, I have been a nerdfighter, (a follower of the vlogbrothers channel on YouTube). The brothers are John and Hank Green. (John is the author of The Fault in Our Stars and several other young adult novels.) In 2010 John was friends with a 16-year-old nerdfighter named Esther Earl who was a cancer patient. He talked about her in several videos and mentioned that she had a YouTube channel of her own.

I had, just days before, finished my final round of chemotherapy when Esther posted a video called "Nothing More Than Feelings," in which she described a lot of feelings related to her illness many of which I also felt. It was an incredibly validating experience watching Esther’s video.  She helped me see that I was not alone. Sadly, Esther passed away later that month. My connection to her remained because I could always go back to her videos. I never met her in person or got to know her, but Esther was my first connection on the bridge out of loneliness and isolation. 

Esther always wanted to be a published author and she finally became one in 2013 when a book of her collected journals and writings was published. It is called This Star Won't Go Out. Although I was three years out of treatment when I read it, Esther continued to show me that I wasn't alone.

The next thing that helped me feel less alone was my trip to Orlando with the Sunshine Kids, which I will write about in a future post.

Mischief Managed,

Sammy

Esther's family started a foundation in her honor called This Star Won't Go Out that helps to support kids with cancer and their families. You can learn more at: http://tswgo.org/

*****

Run of Hope Total: $2,145

There is only one week left to contribute to this year's Run of Hope supporting Pediatric Brain Tumor Research! 

To contribute please visit: http://www.firstgiving.com/fundraiser/sammy-loch/2014

Getting Back to Life

There is a reason I titled this blog "Getting Back to Life." When I was on treatment it was as if my life was on pause. When I was on "play" again so much had changed and I had to figure out life again.

Understandably, many people think that when a person finishes cancer treatment that cancer is over and the person goes right back to the person they were before cancer. After such a significant experience going back is simply not possible. For me, I was a much different person after treatment. I had allowed myself to open up and live my life for me instead of what I thought others expected of me.

The side effects of treatment also continue even after it's over, sometimes for your whole life. These are called late effects and some may not surface for months or even years after treatment.

My treatment caused me to have some difficulty with memory and spatial awareness. I also have several hormone deficiencies from the radiation to my brain. I have slight hearing loss from one of the chemo drugs as well. When treatment ended, I was also continuing to recover from my leg infection. My leg was very weak and had limited mobility. Almost every step was painful. I needed to use a walker or cane for many months and attended physical therapy at least twice a week for two years.

In fall 2010 I was very happy to be done with treatment and to be cancer free, but "getting back to life" was not easy at first, as you will see in the next few posts.

Mischief Managed,

Sammy

Run of Hope Total: $1,985 

To contribute, please visit:

 http://www.firstgiving.com/fundraiser/sammy-loch/2014

Mother of Invention

Yankees game on my Make A Wish trip

It has taken me several months to get my story down on paper/screen. I started by writing each entry as they came to me, but I kept putting this one off. In fact, it is the very last entry I wrote while putting all these posts together.

The posts about people were the most challenging to write because I love all these people so much that it is hard to put into words how much they matter to me. But no one was more difficult to write about than my mom. It is very difficult to put into words what I want to say about her. She was there by my side the whole way and our relationship was strengthened and deepened by this experience.

Billy Joel/ Elton John concert

She was and is without a doubt my greatest supporter, cheerleader, teammate etc. I have said this about many people, but for Mom it’s different, there is truly no way I could make it through any of this without her by my side. She was there for everything; we went through it all together. She stayed with me every night that I spent in the hospital, sleeping on a very uncomfortable fold-out couch contraption. She was my best and most attentive nurse both at home and in the hospital. She always found a way to rig something up to make me more comfortable, from radiation burn treatment to the tricked out wheelchair set up she designed after my leg infection. (Hence the nickname “Mother of Invention”). She was always there to help pick me back up when I felt down or overwhelmed, which was quite often, especially when I was returning to school. She was one of my closest friends.

She was my everything.

Last appointment during treatment

I cannot express how grateful I am for everything she did and continues to do for me.

I love you, Mama (times infinity times a thousand J )!

Mischief managed,

Sammy

Run of Hope Total: $1,985 

To contribute, please visit:

 http://www.firstgiving.com/fundraiser/sammy-loch/2014

Gone to the Dogs

Some of my bright spots were furrier than others.

I’ve always been a dog person and lived with a dog in the house my whole life.  Needless to say some fury four-legged friends helped keep me smiling while I was on treatment.

#1 dog of course, was my best girl Polly.  I couldn’t always pet her (because of germs, etc.), but Polly was almost always at my side or watching me from across the room.  She had always  been good at reading the room to see who could use a little puppy love.  So it seemed that she knew that something was up with me. Polly was the greatest dog and the best friend a girl could have.  She even kept a party hat on for most of my 16^th birthday party. 

When I was in the hospital for 11 days for my brain surgery and then again for 6 weeks with Nec Fasc, I really missed my Polly girl.  So it was always a joy to get visits from the wonderful therapy dogs that visited Children’s: Abe, Pie, Klada, Cole and Dresden are just a few that I met.

Klada

Cole

Dresden

16th Birthday Party

Also, while I was in with Nec Fasc a friend of ours' Golden Retriever had a litter of puppies.  She had a webcam on so you could watch the little guys scurry around.  I can’t tell you how many hours Mom and I spent watching the puppies on my little net book.  We decided that if Tracy bred her female Cassie again, we would buy a puppy.

In June 2011, we came home with our own furry, yellow bundle of joy, Will.  (Well to be exact:  Mr. Fitzwilliam Darcy of Pemberly.  I named him)   We got pick of the litter.  He also happens to be the largest of any of Cassie’s litters. Since I already had my Polly, Will and Brandon became best buds.  

Will's first day home

Brandon's 90 lbs
baby.

Mischief Managed,
Sammy

Run of Hope Total: $1,935 

To contribute, please visit:

 http://www.firstgiving.com/fundraiser/sammy-loch/2014